Dont settle, don't settle.....

This has been the mantra in my head for the last two months... I feel like I have settled in my life. My mom always told me "Alyssa, just remember don't settle" I am now beginning to realize EXACTLY what that means.... I took a step back for myself for a little while after being so unhappy (which I am sure was apparent) and I realized that I am where I am because I eventually settled.

Greg and I moved in after a year of dating (and breaking up twice...uhhhh red flag?) and I thought well, thats convienent, I can move out of my parents house, yay! (not that I dont LOVE them :) ) and we've lasted this long, what could happen??? Not so thought out. But in all reality I loved him and to think about him leaving was unthinkable, things were going so good. And here I sit in that very living room of said apartment alone while the boy sleeps... I stopped fighting and things went to this... an odd limbo of mixed twisty feelings 50/50, 40/70, 30/60 unhappy/happy....it varies. Which is kinda odd for me. I generally tend to be a happy person.

I have settled on my eating choices, and gained more weight than I ever have :/ (hard to admit)

I have settled in my schooling, which put me behind at least a year

I settled, settled, settled.....

NO MORE!!!!!! I am happy to report that I am no longer settling (for what I can) I am taking charge of my eating habits, started Nutrisystem 2 months ago and I am starting to feel great, I notice certain things, feeling different in certain places (shoulders, etc) I know I am no where near my goal (60 lbs :oO) YIKES... but I am getting closer. Not sure on the exact amount because our scale broke (getting one tomorrow :) ) But I am feeling GREAT!

As for my schooling, I can say that I have decided on a major, NURSING! and I am working really hard to keep motivated and acctually finishing something I dreamed of... Anatomy is tough but its fascinating and exciting all at the same time! (that much closer to being a nurse) I can proudly say that after about 48 hours of studying (not all at the same time) I have successfully memorized all the bones in the human skull and vertebral column (whoo hoo) and we start disecting a cat in about 2 weeks. Im actually REALLY nervous about this... I keep going back and forth, its so educational and I WILL learn by seeing the big picture, the puzzle put together...but they were once the same loving adorable cats that I snuggle with and play with everyday. They lived a full life, right??? and even if they didn't they would STILL be dead, in that class, being used for education. right??? see my dilema?? But other than the unforfortunate educational expirience that I am so looking forward to, school is up to par!! Plan is in motion and it feels GOOD!

As for the love life.... Its staying on hold for now... we signed a lease until April and we will live here until April (except for extreme circumstances, highly unlikely, don't worry) we will take it a day at a time and see where things go....

Looking forward to the challenges ahead, and just praying that I can hold on tight and hit my contentment head on. To push myself to be happy, to do the things that I need to... Hope you take a little from my ramblings, take a little time for yourself every once in a while, but make sure to keep your eye on the prize :o)

The little train that could,

Alyssa Emily ;oD

Dreams and Desires, Hope and Love, what do I really want?

I have come to the realization today that it will never work between Greg* and I. I have discovered that the past hurt and the current hurt have been forgiven but not forgotten. I have tried to reason with myself that he is not doing it intentionally, but I reason with myself again, is he? I have come face to face with one of the hardest things to beat. Living and staying committed to someone I a) no longer have warm and fuzzy feelings for (most of the time), b) try to keep him happy to keep me happy (i.e. maid services, smiling, and pretending to be happy) and c) that I try to stay mad at him, but in all honesty it hurts too much when he breaks and apologises. I know that it will happen again and again but how many times do I listen to the apologies before they stop meaning anything? After this relationship I think I may call it quits for a while, get some "me" time (if I can manage)...

Has anyone ever asked you what you want?? In a recent argument I spat out something in frustration and anger that I do not think I could answer myself. "what is it that you want?" That is one loaded gun if you really think about the depth and width of this question... What do I want? Well after how many years of schooling, I would LOVE to be a nurse, to follow this dream through from start to finish, to work as hard as I can to be the best that I can be. (that sounds so cheesy :/) I would also like to be healthy, skinnier... to be as thin as I have in years. I'm trying out Nutrisystem for that, so far, so good :). I would like to stay (settle) in southern orange county, with my family. I would like to see the world, places I have only seen in movies and daydreams... I would like to meet a REAL man, a guy that will take care of me; dates, quality conversation, play, laughter, someone who challenges me to grow, someone who sees the good in everything and everyone (like I do), someone who appreciates art, someone who likes animals (that's a BIGGIE), someone who wants a family, someone who is gentle and kind... I could go on for years... I want a family, children, a place to call home, I want to raise my kids surrounded by love, as I was... I also want to be a stable woman, someone who can provide for herself and her family...I want to work in the maternity ward in a hospital, maybe if I am strong enough work with pediatric oncology. I want to make a difference.  There was this great quote that the great Gandhi said and that was

 

Whatever you do in life will be insignificant but it is very important that you do it...

because... You can't know... 
You can't ever really know the meaning of your life... 
And you don't need to... 
Just know that your life has a meaning... 
Every life has a meaning... whether it lasts one hundred years or one hundred seconds... 
Every life... 
And every death... changes the world in its own way...
Gandhi knew this. 
He knew his life would mean something to someone, somewhere, somehow. 
And he knew with as much certainty that he could never know that meaning... 
He understood that enjoying life should be of much greater concern then understanding it. 
And so do I.
You can't know... 
So don't take it for granted... 
But don't take it too seriously... 
Don't postpone what you want... 
Don't leave anything misunderstood... 
Make sure the people you care about know... 
Make sure they know how you really feel... 
Because just like that... 
It could end.

So in conclusion I leave you with this thought, have you stopped, paused your live for just a moment to ask What do I want? Take the time to make yourself happy first (easier said then done, I know) But I think the happiness found will be very much worth it...

Little Girl @ <3

Alyssa Emily

Realizations

After reading my friends Blog today it has inspired me to use this page exactly how it is meant to be used. The unedited, whole-fully true, painful, fun, realistic life I am living now. My name is Alyssa Emily Dooley and I signed up for this blog so I could anonymously post the worst kind of feelings I was having over a heartache. I think it would be best to tell it how it is, I'm talking R-E-A-L-I-T-Y, people! I know, I know, shocking right? How much of us really have a grasp on reality anyway? 

A close friend of mine had written about how today love has become this Catch 22 that none of us can really "catch". As I talk to more and more people about love, I am confronted with the same reminder that I am not alone. She fell in love at sixteen, with a fiery passion and things didn't work out for some reason, and that flame never burn out....sound familiar? I think we all have that "one" person who never really leaves our hearts or minds, but are they what is the BEST? I have recently been toying with the idea that maybe those first loves are there to remind you how you should be treated, remind you what it feels like to let go and jump head first unaware of the outcome, and the rush... the pure and utter joy when he catches you. To remind you what "love" feels like. But my problem is that we are NOT together now...why? Is it because we met too soon, is it because we met at the right time but that there is someone better for both of us, is it because we were meant to meet and grow apart to realize there is NOTHING better out there for us, but each other, were we meant to have the fairytale, heartache included? Or was he the mold to set for someone to fill the void better. Is better possible? 

Listening to my ranting reminds me of a movie that seems to put it best...."Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."  ~ Gigi from He's Just Not That Into You.

So in conclusion to the confusion maybe it isn't about living life looking for our happy ending, but instead living our life and looking at what is right in front of us... and the happy ending will unfold before our eyes. I will leave you with yet another favorite and least favorite quote of mine "What is meant to be, will be"

Little Girl @heart 

Alyssa Emily

The Beginning

I realize that I may have left you confused, lost or plain old uninterested if there is no story explained behind the frustration and heartache. The funny thing about heartache is that it has this way of turning your insides into a knotted ball of memories and feelings you remember so well, Yet, it has this way of lingering in the background as you attempt to go on about a normal  life. Besides the point let me introduce you to me, Daysey Soallo at the mere age of thirteen.

I was born and raised in the same small suburb of Orange County my whole life. The Southern California lifestyle in a middle-class home. I was nearly at the age of self discovery, flirting with the line of kid and mature young girl( or so I thought at thirteen). For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to be older. 

January 2003-March 2003: 

My friends and I talked on IM, AIM (AOL Instant Messenger, for those of you who aren't familiar with the term) Occasionally my girlfriends and I would get a boys SN (screen name) and chat like we were older. Even as I'm typing that I realize how dangerous that was BUT I will remind you, the Internet hasn't always been as scary as it is now. Besides the point a friend had sent me the SN for a cute boy named Kieth (a friend). So we chatted about this and that (I mean what could a thirteen year old talk about, really? ) and then one fateful evening he asked if he could call me from his friend Michael's phone. Giddy and excited to finally hear the voice I've been speaking with for so long (probably a week...)  he called! Before hanging up he said I could call anytime I wanted, so with a sore smile and flushed cheeks we said goodnight. I called him back first thing after school, only Keith wasn't with Michael, but instead of a 2 minute conversation of "would you tell him I called?" Michael and I ended up talking for hours. We had so much in common and the sound of his voice gave me butterfly's. Eventually, when we did hang up, all I wanted to do was call him back and talk more, I loved the sound of his voice. 

We danced around things for weeks and Keith and I lost touch (I was talking with Michael more and more) I finally got so filled with excitement, curiosity, and grew wary of waiting that I did it, I just spat it out like it was what I meant to say all along..."we have been talking for a long time, I really like you..... I like you too...... would you want to meet, see a movie maybe? Sure. It was that fateful day that I met him for the first time.

It was all planned out my friend Clarissa and I had it all planned out, I was staying at her house so we could stay out a little later, we went to the Orange Block to see "Bringing Down the House" and Michael was meeting us there!! The whole car ride there her mom was asking what we were planning to do, when we would be done, did we have our phones (what else should I expect?) We explained we would be out by ten holding back my exploding smile and nervous actions the whole time. (We were there)

I remember walking towards the theatre nervous as all can be looking around for even the slightest appearance of a boy waiting for a girl, there he was... I was so nervous at first. He stood there in all black, big boat skater shoes, baggy black pants held at hips by a studded belt a black band shirt from Hot Topic and an over sized black hoodie, He had bright red hair gelled and wore down over his forehead, he looked like one of those punk kids that would always tease the others. I was weary and kept my distance but he smelled sweet and he had a sparkle in his eye when he talked  to me. We got our seats and as we were getting comfy, my insides were going haywire, my hands were jumpy, not knowing were to lay, my thoughts racing all over the place and then, wait, oh my gosh! He reached for my hand cupping it first and then lacing his fingers with mine.  His hands were hot and wet, weird. As the movie ended I was rushed with  the feeling of my stomach doing a back flip and my body feeling awkward, I wasn't sure what to do next. He pulled his hand away as we got up to leave, I was surprised how comfortable and good it felt to hold his hand. He walked Clarissa and I close to where her mom was supposed to meet us, holding my hand tight the whole time. We talked and giggled and when her mom got there, I jetted my lips out and quickly and gently pecked his lips before I ran to the car.  It was the ending to our first date, a day that became a significant part of my life, for what seems like forever.

What ever happened to the school girl crush? It doesn't seem like love is that easy anymore. Its not just about two people liking each other anymore. Its like our grown-up lives have complicated even the simplest, best feelings that exist. Now I have to think about where I want to live, (like here isn't assumed because that is what it has been) Kids....do they want them, do they not want them, Lifestyle...do they do drugs, are they dependable, could I be happy with him for the rest of my life?? 

Wishing for the Simple things in life,

Little girl@ heart forever,

Daysey Soallo

Lost Forever??

I think I may have just had the worst day of my life. EVER. I cant even write it out, Michael*has found someone else, after holding out for so long. A little piece just died inside of me. I have finally realized that he may be the one and he is…..taken. Not that I could do anything about it anyway……I am living with a complete and udder asshole of a boyfriend. He tries, sometimes……when he feels like it to be nice and charming and caring and then what do you know? He's pissed off about something and abuses my cats (taunts them really, sometimes more) or screams at me for this or that… and then apologises and then well, it starts over again. I really need to really figure out what I want in life, be alone for a while, figure it out. Why in the hell did I move in with Greg*???????????? 

When I close my eyes and I dream of my future life,(because you know we all do at 21) I see his vibrant red hair, his adorable smile that makes me melt inside, his sweaty palms cradling a new born baby, with glassy eyes kissing the baby's forehead, stroking the soft small patch of hair at the top of his head, our new born son. A family raised laughing and running and going to church, raising them here, where I was born and raised, with my family, and his. I see a cute little house like the homes we grew up in. I see his adorable smile, his perfect cradled embrace, his big arms, that now, someone else is occupying. Can you fall back in love with someone while with a different individual? Or is that a sign that maybe, just maybe that was for REAL. I sit here crying about a man I lost 2 years ago, as I am in the living room of the apartment I share with Greg…….

When Michael and I broke up and I knew how bad I hurt him, how bad we hurt each other, and that this was for good,  my heart sank, my stomach flipped my eyes watered uncontrollably and I curled up in a ball, pulling my knees to my chest while my heart sank deeper and deeper. I thought I would NEVER feel anything so painful again, and here I am with that same feeling and its unjustified. Thinking some other woman is holding his sweating palms and kissing his lips and touching him everywhere.....everywhere I used to touch and caress,  causes me to get that feeling all over again. Is this what he was feeling? Did I cause him this much pain day in and day out. What the HELL AM I DOING! 

This whole thing has caused me to cry uncontrollably and my nose is stuffed up. Why do I feel this way? Seriously?!? There are always, ALWAYS things that remind me of him, a scent of his cologne, CK ONE or CK BE. Seeing Krysty* at work tonight, driving past where we used to work or Amy's house where we all hung out, or the park where we smoked for the first time or the main street by his house, or a song on the radio, or a commercial on TV or something someone says, the scent of pot, American Pie the movie, The teddy bears I still have all over my apartment, the rings on the bedside dresser that I fall asleep dreaming of every night (even though I sleep next to someone else (why)) 

I can remember how gentle and loving his touch, his kiss. He deserves the best, maybe she can give him the best? Wow that hurt. Ouch… harder than I originally thought. I'm just in a really, really difficult place in my life and I don’t know how much more I can take… I'm just saying that my heart is hurting pretty bad right now. Hurting for my pets who get all sorts of abuse when I'm not around to stick up for them, Hurting for the brokenness in my heart that wont ever go away, Hurting for my decisions and poor actions that landed me here.  Hurting for the many nights I sleep on the couch, Hurting for the countless efforts of trying, hurting for the mistake of choosing this path. (yeah OK, pity party over) 

Is true love something we all just dream about, that we once knew and held gingerly until the day we let it slip between our seemingly gentle touch, and now only know as a dream. An unrealistic possibility, if given, grab it and hold on for dear life. I can tell you that I have experienced a great love, a true love and it does not happen again. It is impossible to find so if you find it and believe me, you will know it. Hold ON TIGHT.

 

Little Girl@Heart 

Daysey  Soallo