I think I may have just had the worst day of my life. EVER. I cant even write it out, Michael*has found someone else, after holding out for so long. A little piece just died inside of me. I have finally realized that he may be the one and he is…..taken. Not that I could do anything about it anyway……I am living with a complete and udder asshole of a boyfriend. He tries, sometimes……when he feels like it to be nice and charming and caring and then what do you know? He's pissed off about something and abuses my cats (taunts them really, sometimes more) or screams at me for this or that… and then apologises and then well, it starts over again. I really need to really figure out what I want in life, be alone for a while, figure it out. Why in the hell did I move in with Greg*????????????
When I close my eyes and I dream of my future life,(because you know we all do at 21) I see his vibrant red hair, his adorable smile that makes me melt inside, his sweaty palms cradling a new born baby, with glassy eyes kissing the baby's forehead, stroking the soft small patch of hair at the top of his head, our new born son. A family raised laughing and running and going to church, raising them here, where I was born and raised, with my family, and his. I see a cute little house like the homes we grew up in. I see his adorable smile, his perfect cradled embrace, his big arms, that now, someone else is occupying. Can you fall back in love with someone while with a different individual? Or is that a sign that maybe, just maybe that was for REAL. I sit here crying about a man I lost 2 years ago, as I am in the living room of the apartment I share with Greg…….
When Michael and I broke up and I knew how bad I hurt him, how bad we hurt each other, and that this was for good, my heart sank, my stomach flipped my eyes watered uncontrollably and I curled up in a ball, pulling my knees to my chest while my heart sank deeper and deeper. I thought I would NEVER feel anything so painful again, and here I am with that same feeling and its unjustified. Thinking some other woman is holding his sweating palms and kissing his lips and touching him everywhere.....everywhere I used to touch and caress, causes me to get that feeling all over again. Is this what he was feeling? Did I cause him this much pain day in and day out. What the HELL AM I DOING!
This whole thing has caused me to cry uncontrollably and my nose is stuffed up. Why do I feel this way? Seriously?!? There are always, ALWAYS things that remind me of him, a scent of his cologne, CK ONE or CK BE. Seeing Krysty* at work tonight, driving past where we used to work or Amy's house where we all hung out, or the park where we smoked for the first time or the main street by his house, or a song on the radio, or a commercial on TV or something someone says, the scent of pot, American Pie the movie, The teddy bears I still have all over my apartment, the rings on the bedside dresser that I fall asleep dreaming of every night (even though I sleep next to someone else (why))
I can remember how gentle and loving his touch, his kiss. He deserves the best, maybe she can give him the best? Wow that hurt. Ouch… harder than I originally thought. I'm just in a really, really difficult place in my life and I don’t know how much more I can take… I'm just saying that my heart is hurting pretty bad right now. Hurting for my pets who get all sorts of abuse when I'm not around to stick up for them, Hurting for the brokenness in my heart that wont ever go away, Hurting for my decisions and poor actions that landed me here. Hurting for the many nights I sleep on the couch, Hurting for the countless efforts of trying, hurting for the mistake of choosing this path. (yeah OK, pity party over)
Is true love something we all just dream about, that we once knew and held gingerly until the day we let it slip between our seemingly gentle touch, and now only know as a dream. An unrealistic possibility, if given, grab it and hold on for dear life. I can tell you that I have experienced a great love, a true love and it does not happen again. It is impossible to find so if you find it and believe me, you will know it. Hold ON TIGHT.
Little Girl@Heart
Daysey Soallo
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