Dreams and Desires, Hope and Love, what do I really want?

I have come to the realization today that it will never work between Greg* and I. I have discovered that the past hurt and the current hurt have been forgiven but not forgotten. I have tried to reason with myself that he is not doing it intentionally, but I reason with myself again, is he? I have come face to face with one of the hardest things to beat. Living and staying committed to someone I a) no longer have warm and fuzzy feelings for (most of the time), b) try to keep him happy to keep me happy (i.e. maid services, smiling, and pretending to be happy) and c) that I try to stay mad at him, but in all honesty it hurts too much when he breaks and apologises. I know that it will happen again and again but how many times do I listen to the apologies before they stop meaning anything? After this relationship I think I may call it quits for a while, get some "me" time (if I can manage)...

Has anyone ever asked you what you want?? In a recent argument I spat out something in frustration and anger that I do not think I could answer myself. "what is it that you want?" That is one loaded gun if you really think about the depth and width of this question... What do I want? Well after how many years of schooling, I would LOVE to be a nurse, to follow this dream through from start to finish, to work as hard as I can to be the best that I can be. (that sounds so cheesy :/) I would also like to be healthy, skinnier... to be as thin as I have in years. I'm trying out Nutrisystem for that, so far, so good :). I would like to stay (settle) in southern orange county, with my family. I would like to see the world, places I have only seen in movies and daydreams... I would like to meet a REAL man, a guy that will take care of me; dates, quality conversation, play, laughter, someone who challenges me to grow, someone who sees the good in everything and everyone (like I do), someone who appreciates art, someone who likes animals (that's a BIGGIE), someone who wants a family, someone who is gentle and kind... I could go on for years... I want a family, children, a place to call home, I want to raise my kids surrounded by love, as I was... I also want to be a stable woman, someone who can provide for herself and her family...I want to work in the maternity ward in a hospital, maybe if I am strong enough work with pediatric oncology. I want to make a difference.  There was this great quote that the great Gandhi said and that was

 

Whatever you do in life will be insignificant but it is very important that you do it...

because... You can't know... 
You can't ever really know the meaning of your life... 
And you don't need to... 
Just know that your life has a meaning... 
Every life has a meaning... whether it lasts one hundred years or one hundred seconds... 
Every life... 
And every death... changes the world in its own way...
Gandhi knew this. 
He knew his life would mean something to someone, somewhere, somehow. 
And he knew with as much certainty that he could never know that meaning... 
He understood that enjoying life should be of much greater concern then understanding it. 
And so do I.
You can't know... 
So don't take it for granted... 
But don't take it too seriously... 
Don't postpone what you want... 
Don't leave anything misunderstood... 
Make sure the people you care about know... 
Make sure they know how you really feel... 
Because just like that... 
It could end.

So in conclusion I leave you with this thought, have you stopped, paused your live for just a moment to ask What do I want? Take the time to make yourself happy first (easier said then done, I know) But I think the happiness found will be very much worth it...

Little Girl @ <3

Alyssa Emily