The Beginning

I realize that I may have left you confused, lost or plain old uninterested if there is no story explained behind the frustration and heartache. The funny thing about heartache is that it has this way of turning your insides into a knotted ball of memories and feelings you remember so well, Yet, it has this way of lingering in the background as you attempt to go on about a normal  life. Besides the point let me introduce you to me, Daysey Soallo at the mere age of thirteen.

I was born and raised in the same small suburb of Orange County my whole life. The Southern California lifestyle in a middle-class home. I was nearly at the age of self discovery, flirting with the line of kid and mature young girl( or so I thought at thirteen). For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to be older. 

January 2003-March 2003: 

My friends and I talked on IM, AIM (AOL Instant Messenger, for those of you who aren't familiar with the term) Occasionally my girlfriends and I would get a boys SN (screen name) and chat like we were older. Even as I'm typing that I realize how dangerous that was BUT I will remind you, the Internet hasn't always been as scary as it is now. Besides the point a friend had sent me the SN for a cute boy named Kieth (a friend). So we chatted about this and that (I mean what could a thirteen year old talk about, really? ) and then one fateful evening he asked if he could call me from his friend Michael's phone. Giddy and excited to finally hear the voice I've been speaking with for so long (probably a week...)  he called! Before hanging up he said I could call anytime I wanted, so with a sore smile and flushed cheeks we said goodnight. I called him back first thing after school, only Keith wasn't with Michael, but instead of a 2 minute conversation of "would you tell him I called?" Michael and I ended up talking for hours. We had so much in common and the sound of his voice gave me butterfly's. Eventually, when we did hang up, all I wanted to do was call him back and talk more, I loved the sound of his voice. 

We danced around things for weeks and Keith and I lost touch (I was talking with Michael more and more) I finally got so filled with excitement, curiosity, and grew wary of waiting that I did it, I just spat it out like it was what I meant to say all along..."we have been talking for a long time, I really like you..... I like you too...... would you want to meet, see a movie maybe? Sure. It was that fateful day that I met him for the first time.

It was all planned out my friend Clarissa and I had it all planned out, I was staying at her house so we could stay out a little later, we went to the Orange Block to see "Bringing Down the House" and Michael was meeting us there!! The whole car ride there her mom was asking what we were planning to do, when we would be done, did we have our phones (what else should I expect?) We explained we would be out by ten holding back my exploding smile and nervous actions the whole time. (We were there)

I remember walking towards the theatre nervous as all can be looking around for even the slightest appearance of a boy waiting for a girl, there he was... I was so nervous at first. He stood there in all black, big boat skater shoes, baggy black pants held at hips by a studded belt a black band shirt from Hot Topic and an over sized black hoodie, He had bright red hair gelled and wore down over his forehead, he looked like one of those punk kids that would always tease the others. I was weary and kept my distance but he smelled sweet and he had a sparkle in his eye when he talked  to me. We got our seats and as we were getting comfy, my insides were going haywire, my hands were jumpy, not knowing were to lay, my thoughts racing all over the place and then, wait, oh my gosh! He reached for my hand cupping it first and then lacing his fingers with mine.  His hands were hot and wet, weird. As the movie ended I was rushed with  the feeling of my stomach doing a back flip and my body feeling awkward, I wasn't sure what to do next. He pulled his hand away as we got up to leave, I was surprised how comfortable and good it felt to hold his hand. He walked Clarissa and I close to where her mom was supposed to meet us, holding my hand tight the whole time. We talked and giggled and when her mom got there, I jetted my lips out and quickly and gently pecked his lips before I ran to the car.  It was the ending to our first date, a day that became a significant part of my life, for what seems like forever.

What ever happened to the school girl crush? It doesn't seem like love is that easy anymore. Its not just about two people liking each other anymore. Its like our grown-up lives have complicated even the simplest, best feelings that exist. Now I have to think about where I want to live, (like here isn't assumed because that is what it has been) Kids....do they want them, do they not want them, Lifestyle...do they do drugs, are they dependable, could I be happy with him for the rest of my life?? 

Wishing for the Simple things in life,

Little girl@ heart forever,

Daysey Soallo

Lost Forever??

I think I may have just had the worst day of my life. EVER. I cant even write it out, Michael*has found someone else, after holding out for so long. A little piece just died inside of me. I have finally realized that he may be the one and he is…..taken. Not that I could do anything about it anyway……I am living with a complete and udder asshole of a boyfriend. He tries, sometimes……when he feels like it to be nice and charming and caring and then what do you know? He's pissed off about something and abuses my cats (taunts them really, sometimes more) or screams at me for this or that… and then apologises and then well, it starts over again. I really need to really figure out what I want in life, be alone for a while, figure it out. Why in the hell did I move in with Greg*???????????? 

When I close my eyes and I dream of my future life,(because you know we all do at 21) I see his vibrant red hair, his adorable smile that makes me melt inside, his sweaty palms cradling a new born baby, with glassy eyes kissing the baby's forehead, stroking the soft small patch of hair at the top of his head, our new born son. A family raised laughing and running and going to church, raising them here, where I was born and raised, with my family, and his. I see a cute little house like the homes we grew up in. I see his adorable smile, his perfect cradled embrace, his big arms, that now, someone else is occupying. Can you fall back in love with someone while with a different individual? Or is that a sign that maybe, just maybe that was for REAL. I sit here crying about a man I lost 2 years ago, as I am in the living room of the apartment I share with Greg…….

When Michael and I broke up and I knew how bad I hurt him, how bad we hurt each other, and that this was for good,  my heart sank, my stomach flipped my eyes watered uncontrollably and I curled up in a ball, pulling my knees to my chest while my heart sank deeper and deeper. I thought I would NEVER feel anything so painful again, and here I am with that same feeling and its unjustified. Thinking some other woman is holding his sweating palms and kissing his lips and touching him everywhere.....everywhere I used to touch and caress,  causes me to get that feeling all over again. Is this what he was feeling? Did I cause him this much pain day in and day out. What the HELL AM I DOING! 

This whole thing has caused me to cry uncontrollably and my nose is stuffed up. Why do I feel this way? Seriously?!? There are always, ALWAYS things that remind me of him, a scent of his cologne, CK ONE or CK BE. Seeing Krysty* at work tonight, driving past where we used to work or Amy's house where we all hung out, or the park where we smoked for the first time or the main street by his house, or a song on the radio, or a commercial on TV or something someone says, the scent of pot, American Pie the movie, The teddy bears I still have all over my apartment, the rings on the bedside dresser that I fall asleep dreaming of every night (even though I sleep next to someone else (why)) 

I can remember how gentle and loving his touch, his kiss. He deserves the best, maybe she can give him the best? Wow that hurt. Ouch… harder than I originally thought. I'm just in a really, really difficult place in my life and I don’t know how much more I can take… I'm just saying that my heart is hurting pretty bad right now. Hurting for my pets who get all sorts of abuse when I'm not around to stick up for them, Hurting for the brokenness in my heart that wont ever go away, Hurting for my decisions and poor actions that landed me here.  Hurting for the many nights I sleep on the couch, Hurting for the countless efforts of trying, hurting for the mistake of choosing this path. (yeah OK, pity party over) 

Is true love something we all just dream about, that we once knew and held gingerly until the day we let it slip between our seemingly gentle touch, and now only know as a dream. An unrealistic possibility, if given, grab it and hold on for dear life. I can tell you that I have experienced a great love, a true love and it does not happen again. It is impossible to find so if you find it and believe me, you will know it. Hold ON TIGHT.

 

Little Girl@Heart 

Daysey  Soallo