Dreams and Desires, Hope and Love, what do I really want?

I have come to the realization today that it will never work between Greg* and I. I have discovered that the past hurt and the current hurt have been forgiven but not forgotten. I have tried to reason with myself that he is not doing it intentionally, but I reason with myself again, is he? I have come face to face with one of the hardest things to beat. Living and staying committed to someone I a) no longer have warm and fuzzy feelings for (most of the time), b) try to keep him happy to keep me happy (i.e. maid services, smiling, and pretending to be happy) and c) that I try to stay mad at him, but in all honesty it hurts too much when he breaks and apologises. I know that it will happen again and again but how many times do I listen to the apologies before they stop meaning anything? After this relationship I think I may call it quits for a while, get some "me" time (if I can manage)...

Has anyone ever asked you what you want?? In a recent argument I spat out something in frustration and anger that I do not think I could answer myself. "what is it that you want?" That is one loaded gun if you really think about the depth and width of this question... What do I want? Well after how many years of schooling, I would LOVE to be a nurse, to follow this dream through from start to finish, to work as hard as I can to be the best that I can be. (that sounds so cheesy :/) I would also like to be healthy, skinnier... to be as thin as I have in years. I'm trying out Nutrisystem for that, so far, so good :). I would like to stay (settle) in southern orange county, with my family. I would like to see the world, places I have only seen in movies and daydreams... I would like to meet a REAL man, a guy that will take care of me; dates, quality conversation, play, laughter, someone who challenges me to grow, someone who sees the good in everything and everyone (like I do), someone who appreciates art, someone who likes animals (that's a BIGGIE), someone who wants a family, someone who is gentle and kind... I could go on for years... I want a family, children, a place to call home, I want to raise my kids surrounded by love, as I was... I also want to be a stable woman, someone who can provide for herself and her family...I want to work in the maternity ward in a hospital, maybe if I am strong enough work with pediatric oncology. I want to make a difference.  There was this great quote that the great Gandhi said and that was

 

Whatever you do in life will be insignificant but it is very important that you do it...

because... You can't know... 
You can't ever really know the meaning of your life... 
And you don't need to... 
Just know that your life has a meaning... 
Every life has a meaning... whether it lasts one hundred years or one hundred seconds... 
Every life... 
And every death... changes the world in its own way...
Gandhi knew this. 
He knew his life would mean something to someone, somewhere, somehow. 
And he knew with as much certainty that he could never know that meaning... 
He understood that enjoying life should be of much greater concern then understanding it. 
And so do I.
You can't know... 
So don't take it for granted... 
But don't take it too seriously... 
Don't postpone what you want... 
Don't leave anything misunderstood... 
Make sure the people you care about know... 
Make sure they know how you really feel... 
Because just like that... 
It could end.

So in conclusion I leave you with this thought, have you stopped, paused your live for just a moment to ask What do I want? Take the time to make yourself happy first (easier said then done, I know) But I think the happiness found will be very much worth it...

Little Girl @ <3

Alyssa Emily

Realizations

After reading my friends Blog today it has inspired me to use this page exactly how it is meant to be used. The unedited, whole-fully true, painful, fun, realistic life I am living now. My name is Alyssa Emily Dooley and I signed up for this blog so I could anonymously post the worst kind of feelings I was having over a heartache. I think it would be best to tell it how it is, I'm talking R-E-A-L-I-T-Y, people! I know, I know, shocking right? How much of us really have a grasp on reality anyway? 

A close friend of mine had written about how today love has become this Catch 22 that none of us can really "catch". As I talk to more and more people about love, I am confronted with the same reminder that I am not alone. She fell in love at sixteen, with a fiery passion and things didn't work out for some reason, and that flame never burn out....sound familiar? I think we all have that "one" person who never really leaves our hearts or minds, but are they what is the BEST? I have recently been toying with the idea that maybe those first loves are there to remind you how you should be treated, remind you what it feels like to let go and jump head first unaware of the outcome, and the rush... the pure and utter joy when he catches you. To remind you what "love" feels like. But my problem is that we are NOT together now...why? Is it because we met too soon, is it because we met at the right time but that there is someone better for both of us, is it because we were meant to meet and grow apart to realize there is NOTHING better out there for us, but each other, were we meant to have the fairytale, heartache included? Or was he the mold to set for someone to fill the void better. Is better possible? 

Listening to my ranting reminds me of a movie that seems to put it best...."Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."  ~ Gigi from He's Just Not That Into You.

So in conclusion to the confusion maybe it isn't about living life looking for our happy ending, but instead living our life and looking at what is right in front of us... and the happy ending will unfold before our eyes. I will leave you with yet another favorite and least favorite quote of mine "What is meant to be, will be"

Little Girl @heart 

Alyssa Emily